I've been unemployed for nine months, it sucks
Listen, if I were a public figure I would choose to write inspiring pieces that reflect my growth, that end with a solid conclusion with a message of positivity and that "everything works out in the end!"
Well, I'm not a public figure.
Nine months unemployed has been the longest period of my life without work since I was sixteen when I got my first job as a paperboy (and still my best job, honestly).
These nine months have eroded my confidence and self-worth to a near irreparable state of rot and dread. I do, really, hate myself. But, at the same time, I am stupendously egotistical... I think this is why I hate myself, and why any of us hates ourselves - we have an an idealized image of ourselves that we're not living, when we are in a state of hating ourselves we are so distant from who we WANT to be, we're like kids, we can't HAVE what we WANT.
Like kids, our wants and needs depend on others, what a fucking vile thought! I feel infantilized in the job-seeking process, I hate interviews that are a repeat of the same questions I've heard since school, all varying degrees of "tell us about yourself?" or "where do you want to be in five years?"
I had an interview a few days back and the HR person just didn't really seem into it, now that really pisses me off. If I have to dress the part, talk the part, act the part all while pretending an entry level videography position is somehow my life's dream, then the interviewer should at least fucking reflect some enthusiasm back, honestly.
You want to know something funny? My mother had this fear about me when I was a teenager, she was worried I would turn out to be a greasy, sweaty, unkempt waster who worked in game stores, specifcally CEX, a British trade-in store which is known for exclusively hiring people based on how little they shower.
I think, this is due to my life constantly being an uphill battle against being a loser. In the back of my mind is this fate where I am hermit, a total shut-in, forgotten, playing World of Warcraft all day. I am not this, but nine months of unemployed has brought me close to that edge. I don't necessarily want to be that, but I feel I always had the potential to be that.
I am not that because I have too much self-worth on a good day. I am, at least on the face of it, everything a successful person should be. I am tall and handsome, I can parley with the best of them, but I am also a fucking idiot. I carry constant shame, shame of existing, I suppose.
I don't know who I am in this world. I can't seem to decide if I want to be confident enough to try and make something of myself, or if I am waiting still for some recognition - recognition of what, being nice and polite, or, having potential?
See you tomorrow.